


Breaking Point

by RenegadeDreamer



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: (also Ranmaru is a potty mouth but what else is new), Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-18 02:11:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14202801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenegadeDreamer/pseuds/RenegadeDreamer
Summary: Reiji always hid everything behind a smile. But every dam has its breaking point.TW: depression/suicide attempt





	Breaking Point

Reiji stared at the picture of himself, Aine, Kei, and Hibiki, taken just before their graduation from Saotome Academy. “I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most,” Reiji said to the image of Aine, putting a finger on his smiling face that was forever frozen in time. “Maybe it’s for the best I haven’t been able to make friends with everyone else. That way I can’t let anyone down again like I did you.”

He thought of the members of Starish, who had warm close bonds similar to what he once did with his fellow Saotome Academy classmates. He dearly wished that he could share such bonds with his bandmates, but every attempt was rebuffed, the other three preferring to keep to themselves outside of work. Kei and Hibiki no longer kept in touch and seemed to blame him for what happened to Aine. Which was fine, because Reiji blamed himself too.

The gaping emptiness inside of him gnawed away at him and weighed him down. He threw himself into his idol work, but at night, when the crews and music and cameras all went away, there was nothing to fill the void. While it could be argued his bandmates were paid to do a job, not be his friends, he wished they could all get along better, given how closely and how often they worked together. As much as he tried to tell himself their harsh words were just how they were, they didn’t mean anything by them, they still stung. As much as he tried to put a cheery face on and laugh everything off, having his friendly overtures rebuked over and over wore on him more over time. What was he thinking, trying to be the one to unite everyone and push the group forward? He was never suited for that role, not nearly as much as Aine was.

He couldn’t rely on his kouhais for such companionship since he was supposed to be their mentor, and they already had their close knit group of friends their own age with Starish. Ryuya was busy and had better things to do than look after a former student. The rest of the people he regularly saw were just acquaintances, their only interactions business ones. With how jammed the schedules tended to be, he had little time to mingle with anyone outside of the industry on a purely social basis. Part of him felt like he didn’t deserve to, after what he did to Aine.

He wondered if this was how Aine was feeling when he’d decided to take his final plunge into the sea.

“Aine…” he whispered, looking at the date on his phone. His departed friend’s birthday was coming up. He had begun to lose count of how many birthdays Aine had never gotten to see. Or he didn’t want to acknowledge just how many there were.

Reiji was tired. So very tired. The prospect of closing his eyes and never waking again seemed like a peaceful one.

Perhaps it wasn’t such a bad idea.

What did it matter whether he was here or not? Shining would probably just assign another idol to the group to make sure it stayed a quartet. Or maybe his bandmates would be reassigned elsewhere. They were just thrown together randomly in the first place anyway.

Perhaps it was time for him to rest. Quartet Night and his kouhais would be fine. His bandmates would probably be relieved to no longer have to deal with him. His kouhais were flourishing in their idol careers. It would be better this way.

Reiji took out a pen and some paper and began to write. He figured he’d at least leave them with something, even if he was letting them all down by leaving. But, he reasoned to himself, he was letting them down more by being here.

_To my bandmates,_

_We may have had our differences, but we still made incredible music together. I suppose there really is no forcing friendships where they’re not wanted, but I’d always hoped we could get along better since we had to work so closely together. But I guess I just made things worse, huh? I’m sorry for that. I threw myself into Quartet Night as a way for me to move forward, but I should’ve never put any of my issues on you guys._

_I’m so glad I got to meet you all. I wouldn’t take back any of the time we spent together. I’m sorry for leaving like this, but I’m sure you guys will be just fine. Thanks for putting up with me all this time, however begrudgingly. I wish you guys all the best!_

_-Reiji_

_To my cute kouhais Otoyan and Tokki,_

_It was an honor to be your senpai. I hope I’ve managed to teach you a lot. You both work so hard. Though Tokki, you should take Otoyan’s example and learn to relax a little. Then again, the cool guy act is part of your charm. Otoyan, you keep your head up and that smile bright. Make sure Tokki takes a break once in a while, yeah?_

_It’s been amazing to see all you’re accomplishing as idols. Cherish the bonds you have with the rest of Starish. Together you will get far. I’m proud of you and I’m rooting for you all!_

_Your senpai,  
Rei-Chan_

_Dear Aine,_

_I don’t know why I’m writing this since I’ll be joining you soon. You might laugh at me, but nothing’s been the same since you left. I’ve never been able to find people to bond with as closely as the four of us, and especially you and I did. I suppose this is my punishment for failing you when you needed me the most. Though maybe this is for the best. I won’t be able to kill anyone else like I did you._

_I’m so sorry for everything. But I’ll see you soon, buddy. I promise to make it all up to you. And I’ll never leave you again._

_See you soon,  
Reiji_

\---------------------------------

“Oi, Reiji!” Ranmaru shouted as he banged on the door. “Reiji, open the door!”

“What is all this noise?” Camus asked as he stepped out of his room to investigate the racket Ranmaru was making.

Ai joined them a moment later. “Ranmaru? What is happening?”

“Reiji’s not answering. Probably sleeping like the dead.”

Ai frowned. “That…doesn’t quite sound like him.”

The three of them stepped into Reiji’s room and ran over to the bed where he was laying.

“Reiji, you dumbass, why didn’t you answer me?” Ranmaru punctuated the question by punching him on the arm. However, Reiji did not stir. “The hell? No one’s that heavy a sleeper.” He grabbed him by the shoulders and shook hard. “Oi, stop messing around, asshole!” 

Ai looked down at the floor. His eyes widened upon seeing the empty glass bottles and prescription containers. He picked up one of the latter and read the label. Gleaning his databases revealed it was a strong sedative. On the package in large bold letters was “WARNING - DO NOT CONSUME WITH ALCOHOL.”

In Ai’s head, two voices simultaneously called out, but out loud, only Ai’s voice shouted, “Reiji!”. He sat the older man up and turned him so he was leaning off the edge of his bed. He checked to ensure Reiji was still breathing and was relieved to see he was. He put two fingers on his carotid artery to check for a pulse, which was present but faint. The android then pulled his fist back and drove it into Reiji’s stomach, causing the unconscious man to throw up.

“Did that…do it?” Ranmaru asked.

“Well, whatever he threw up won’t enter his system at least. But it’s hard to tell how much he took or how long ago. He still needs immediate medical attention.”

“But if we take him to a hospital, the paparazzi will be swarming all over this,“ Camus said.

“ _That's_ what you’re worried about right now, you callous prick?!” Ranmaru shouted, hands clenched into fists.

Ai cut in before another yelling match started. “Neither of you are wrong. It’s true Reiji urgently needs medical treatment. It’s also true he wouldn’t want to be made a spectacle over this. I’ll call Dr. Kisaragi. He’ll know what to do.” Ai took out his phone and called the aforementioned doctor.

Camus walked over to the desk and picked up three envelopes. “One of these is addressed to us. One to his…’cute kouhais.’” He rolled his eyes at that, but then the name on the last envelope caught his attention. “And…an Aine.”

Ai jerked his head up at the last name. “Aine?”

“Hm? Do you know something, Mikaze?”

After taking a few moments to finish his conversation with the doctor, “I’ll explain on the way. The doctor said to bring him to the lab and he’ll take care of the rest. Let’s take these envelopes with us.” Ai pocketed one of the prescription bottles, grabbed Reiji, and lifted him out of the bed. 

Ranmaru started to go help with carrying Reiji, but was surprised to see Ai easily holding him up on his own. “Geez, Ai, you’re strong. Alright, I’ll go bring the car around.”

The other two nodded and they all headed out the door, though Camus paused to grab a change of clothes for Reiji.

\---------------------------------

The first thing Reiji saw upon opening his eyes was an unfamiliar ceiling, white with no distinguishing marks except for an overhead light. He squinted against the bright light, head throbbing and feeling heavy. His stomach also hurt badly, sharp yet somewhat blunted pain shooting through it whenever he breathed. He grimly noted the IV stuck in his arm.

A quiet, bitter laugh escaped from his lips. “So. I failed. I failed you again, Aine.”

He looked over and was surprised to see Ai sitting next to his bed. His eyes were closed, his form unmoving, indicating he was in sleep mode. He was even more surprised to feel a hand grasping his.

“He doesn’t say much, but he’s been here as much as his schedule allows,” Dr. Kisaragi said as he entered the room. “Someone else has to be here to monitor Reiji, he said. He’s been helping me with administering treatments. It was all I could do to convince him to rest once in a while - the only thing that convinced him was telling him he wouldn’t be much good to you if he collapsed from exhaustion.”

“How did I get here?” Reiji asked.

“Ai and your other bandmates brought you here. They were quite frantic. That white-haired fellow in particular was yelling about how I’d better save you and how you’d better not die.”

“R-really?”

“Yes. And…I apologize if this is out of line. I wasn’t there for him as much as I should’ve been, but I do know this wouldn’t have made Aine happy. In fact he-” The doctor stopped, then restarted his sentence. “This is the last thing he would’ve wanted.”

“Well, you’re his uncle, you’d know, I suppose.” A pause. “He…he’s the one who made me want to be an idol. He was the one who brought us together and pushed us forward. How could I have lost sight of that…?”

“I believe that he’d want to see you shine bright as an idol and live a happy life. I think that would be the best way to…honor him.”

Just then Ai began to stir. “You’re awake.”

Reiji gave him a small smile. “Yeah.”

Ai looked at their joined hands. “It seems to be common for someone waiting for a patient in the hospital to wake up to hold their hand. I am unsure what that accomplishes when someone is unconscious, but I thought I would try it anyway.”

Reiji squeezed his hand, smiling wider when he felt a squeeze in return. “Thanks, Ai-” He cut himself off before the second syllable of Ai’s nickname.

Ai raised an eyebrow at the name shortening, but returned the smile, then stood up and pulled his hand away. “I’ll let Camus and Ranmaru know you’ve woken up.”

“They’re going to be mad, aren’t they?”

“Very likely. We were all…” Ai paused, as though he was trying to find the right word. “Worried. Upset.”

Reiji blinked at him. “You…were?”

Ai gave him a long stare. “Why would we not be?” He sighed. “We’ll talk about this more when they get here.”

Soon the other two members of Quartet Night entered the room and quickly walked up to the side of Reiji’s bed. Ranmaru immediately grabbed the front of Reiji’s shirt and lifted him slightly off the bed. “You fucking dumbass! What the hell were you thinking?!”

Ai put a hand on Ranmaru’s arm. “Ranmaru, he just woke up.” The rock idol sighed and released him.

Camus crossed his arms. “This was quite reckless, Kotobuki. What were you hoping to accomplish?”

A quiet resigned laugh. “Not what I thought I would, it seems.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows knit together into a scowl. “Did you really think this is what we wanted?!”

Reiji plastered a smile on his face, one that did not reach his eyes and was far stiffer than his usual grins. “Well, you guys did always complain I was too loud and annoying. This way I would’ve been quiet forever, right?” There was no trace of self-pity in his voice, but only of a monotone that he’d tried to force a bit of levity into.

Ranmaru pounded his fist on the side of the bed. “That’s not funny, jackass!”

“Ah, sorry sorry, it must have been so troublesome to cover for me while I was out! It won’t happen again, Ran-R- Ranmaru.”

Ranmaru blinked in confusion at the correction. Despite their complaints about the nicknames, it was jarring to hear Reiji use their full names instead of the nicknames he’d insisted on foisting on them. “O-oi, what’s up with you?”

“You guys said you didn’t like those nicknames.” 

Camus raised an eyebrow. “Since when have you ever cared about that?”

“W-well, I just thought maybe I should start caring a bit more, Myu-c- Camus.”

Again with the strange correction. “Somehow hearing you call me that is odd. Kotobuki…what’s really going on?”

“Aha, well, it’s not for you guys to worry about. I’ll keep up my end of the work. It’s fine, I’m not- it’s…fine…“ A faraway look crossed Reiji’s face, smile waning as his voice faded towards the end of his last sentence.

“You have a peculiar definition of fine,” Camus said.

“Dammit, you’re NOT fine, Reiji! We found you nearly dead! And stop talking about work! That’s not the point right now!”

Ai took hold of one of his hands again, seeming to remember that Reiji found the gesture comforting. “Reiji. Trying to keep everything to yourself was what got us to this point in the first place.”

“And goddammit, this isn’t about punishment, you asshole!”

Reiji stared at the wall, unable to make eye contact. “You guys read the letters, didn’t you.” It was less of a question and more of a statement, like he already knew the answer.

“We did,” Ai confirmed.

“Did you think we wouldn’t, considering the state we found you in?” Camus said.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d be around to know one way or the other.”

“All this time…why didn’t you say something?” Ranmaru asked.

“It’s not any of your jobs,” Reiji replied, throat feeling tight. “I should…never have tried to put any of that on you.”

“And you thought this was better?!”

“Mikaze explained a bit of the situation. Dwelling on the past is unproductive and a foolish waste of time when there’s so much in the present and future to focus on. Besides, your friend made the decision he did on his own. However depressed he was, I doubt he would’ve wanted you to follow in his footsteps.” Camus locked eyes with Reiji. “You didn’t kill anyone.”

Reiji stared at the count, sensing something he couldn’t quite place in his gaze. However, that thought was overshadowed by the sheer surprise of such kind words coming out of him. “C-Camu- Myu-chan…” He glanced at Dr. Kisaragi, who nodded in agreement.

Ranmaru awkwardly chimed in. “Look man, just…just act like you always do. It’s too weird seeing you like this.”

Reiji laughed, though the laugh still sounded a bit hollow. “Wow, Ran-Ran, I didn’t know you cared!”

Ranmaru turned away and crossed his arms. “I-I didn’t say that!”

“As much as I am loathe to agree with Kurosaki on anything, I’ll have to echo that sentiment.”

The clown idol fell back on one of his usual types of jokes. “Awwwww, you guys are getting along so well!”

“We are not!” Both shouted together.

“We are getting rather off track here,” Ai interrupted.

“Anyway,” Camus said sharply. “You are to never do anything like this again, you hear me?” He pointed his scepter at Reiji.

“Yeah. Say something next time, you moron,” Ranmaru added.

As much as he wanted to accept his bandmates’ attempts to be supportive, he was still afraid they’d just get tired of him again after a while. He didn’t know what he was trying to prove, but he felt as though he needed to cling to whatever shreds of normalcy he could. He’d already dragged them through his messes enough. “You guys…I appreciate the effort, but you don’t have to force yourselves or…or do anything out of pity…”

Ranmaru growled, but he, along with everyone else in the room, was jolted by a loud voice. 

“Stop being so stubborn!” 

All eyes turned to the source - Ai. He so rarely raised his voice that it was a shock when he did.

Reiji stared at him, but his eyes weren’t entirely focused on him, as though he was seeing someone else in place of Ai. He knew it wasn’t Aine, but that voice just now sounded so much like him, and that was just the type of thing he’d say if Reiji did anything that especially frustrated him. He focused on the part of Ai’s hair that was tied up. Aine always left his hair down. _This is Ai-Ai, not Aine. Aine is not here. This is Ai-Ai, not-_

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Ranmaru’s voice. “Just give it up. You’re not gonna push us away.” He jabbed a thumb at Camus. “Besides, do you think the human ice cube here knows what pity is?”

Camus shot him a icy glare. “Silence, Kurosaki.” He turned back to Reiji. “Well, you wanted us all to bond,” he said. “Do not think you can take that back now.”

Reiji regarded his bandmates with a surprised expression. “You mean…”

“That’s right. There’s no getting rid of us now.”

A wan smile crossed the normally goofy idol’s face, the first smile since Camus and Ranmaru arrived that seemed genuine. “You guys…”

“Now then,” Dr. Kisaragi interjected. “I believe he needs more rest. I’ll have to examine him more fully, but he should be able to leave in a few days. Ai, please come with me. There’s some maintenance checks I need to do.”

“Coming, doctor.” He looked at his other two standing bandmates. “I’ll call you guys with any updates. You should be able to come visit again later.”

Ranmaru and Camus nodded and took their leave. 

“Uh, feel better soon, OK?” Ranmaru said.

“Make sure you get adequate rest so your body can recover,” Camus commanded.

Once the doctor and android reached the room Ai usually received his maintenance checks in, far from where Reiji was staying, Ai asked, “Doctor, shouldn’t we tell him?”

Dr. Kisaragi closed his eyes in contemplation. “I’ve been conflicted on the best approach to tell him, or whether it’d even do him any good. Right now, though…I don’t know how much good it would do him to know Aine’s body was still here, but the rest of him still out of reach.”

“I’m still learning how to deal with emotions, but surely if he knew there might be a possibility of Aine waking up he’d be less inclined to attempt to kill himself again. His letter to Aine indicated his main purpose was to meet him again.”

“Perhaps. But I strongly believe he needs time to recover physically and emotionally first. He’s already been through so much. And considering the contents of the other letters you told me about, I think the problem is bigger than Aine. Humans in general are social animals, and social bonds are especially important to him. It sounded like he struggled to build meaningful ones after Aine…left. But even with Aine around, he still needs to learn to live for himself as well.”

“That does sound logical. He clung to Aine because he felt he had nothing else left.”

“That appears to be the case, yes.” Then Dr. Kisaragi asked, “How do you feel about him?”

Ai blinked at the sudden question. “Well he can be too loud and overbearing, but I…” He paused and closed his eyes. “I didn’t want him to die. Seeing him so still and quiet was just…wrong. And it didn’t feel right to rest while he was still unconscious. Based on the combination of drugs and alcohol and his vitals at the time, his chances for survival were below 50%, and I wanted to ensure those odds went up to as close to 100% as possible.”

The doctor had a wry smile on his face. “Yes, I do recall chiding you many times for overworking yourself. You can be pretty stubborn yourself.” This his expression shifted to a softer one. “So you care for him, then?”

“I…is that what it means?”

Dr. Kisaragi smiled. “It sounds like it to me.”

“What can I do for him, then?”

“Just be there. Make sure he’s eating and drinking properly. And that he knows he’s not alone in the world. No one and nothing can fix this instantly, but the last part especially will go a long way. Beyond that, time is what’s most needed.”

“I’ll do my best.”

\---------------------------------

Ranmaru knocked on Reiji’s door, with more force than was probably necessary. Then, without waiting for an answer he opened it and poked his head in. “Oi, Reiji! Dinner’s ready, it’s your favorite!”

Reiji looked up from his computer and gave a small smile of greeting. “Ooh, really? Coming, coming!” When he entered the kitchen, the food on the table looked delicious, but the counter and stovetop looked like something exploded on them. “Heyyyyy, what happened in here?” 

“I had to stop this prick from adding sugar.”

“I had to stop this peasant from adding bananas.”

“I had to stop both of them from killing the food. And each other.”

“Ha ha, you have your priorities straight, Ai-Ai! And you guys should’ve called me, I would’ve helped!”

Ranmaru waved him off. “Nah, it was our turn to cook anyway.”

“There is a saying about too many cooks in the kitchen,” Camus said, looking pointedly at Ranmaru.

“The hell you lookin’ at me for? You’re the one that nearly ruined everything with your sugar fetish!”

“Guys, guys, let’s just eat! I’m hungry!” Reiji grabbed a plate and served himself, with the others following suit shortly after.

For once Reiji did not complain about everyone burying their faces into their phones. It meant he didn’t have to carry on sustained conversation. He covered up his lack of conversation by eating with gusto just in case anyone was actually observing him. Even though they’d said to act like he always did, he still felt unsure of how to relate to his bandmates in light of them seeing him at his lowest, when his smiling mask was down. He didn’t know whether there was even a point to donning it again, but at the same time they’d seen more than enough of what was under it. So he opted for grasping at the tiny shreds of normalcy, hollow and futile as they felt. He felt guilty for all the trouble he’d caused them, compounding the guilt over Aine’s fate already weighing on him. 

Soon Reiji got up and put his dishes in the sink. “Mmm, that was delish! Thanks again, guys!” Then, before anyone could respond, he had gone back into his room.

The remaining three looked at the closed door Reiji had disappeared behind. “That’s strange. He didn’t try to get us off our phones. Or talk our ears off about anything,“ Ranmaru commented.

“He left in an awfully big hurry too,” Ai replied. “This has been a recurring event ever since he came back.”

“What do we do? He’s still not completely back to his usual annoying self.”

“This is a first, complaining about him not being annoying enough.”

Camus took a sip of his tea. “The peace and quiet is kind of nice. Can we not leave it alone?”

“Yeah, well…at least I knew how to deal with that Reiji! I don’t know how to deal with this one! I just…don’t want a repeat of what happened. What if we’re too late next time?”

“I don’t think any of us do. That would be far from ideal indeed.”

Ranmaru shot a hostile glare at Camus. “’Far from ideal’? That’s callous, even for you!“

Camus continued, unperturbed by Ranmaru’s expression. “Hn. I only meant that despite some of his more irritating tendencies, he…does have his positive qualities. Whether the latter outweigh the former is debatable, but they are not insignificant.”

“He does bring…something intangible to the group,” Ai commented, scrolling through something on his phone. “It gets strangely quiet when he goes away on trips, for one.”

Ranmaru sat down on the couch with his bass. “Hell, it’s strangely quiet now, even though he’s here. Who thought quiet could be so…disquieting? He’s here physically, but…”

“My research so far indicates that people who attempt suicide are at the highest risk of a second attempt - possibly successful - within the first three months to a year after a failed attempt.”

Ranmaru cringed. “That’s not helping.”

“But,” Ai continued, “there are also many cases where there are no further attempts after a failed one.”

“How would we know which it is, then? Do we just have to…what, watch him 24/7?”

“Considering how long and how thoroughly he managed to hide this, it does not seem likely that would help much, and that’s not getting into the impracticalities of such an arrangement given our divergent schedules.” Ai tapped on the screen of his phone and looked at it as he talked. “And withdrawing after attempting suicide is normal. But it should not be allowed to continue indefinitely.”

Ranmaru stared down at his bass. “He’s always looking out for other people. But…who did he have to look out for him?”

The three of them fell into silence at the question. Eventually Ranmaru broke the silence. “None of us are any good at this, huh.”

“No,” Ai answered.

“For someone who can be so clingy, he’s also so independent in some ways. And after all this time with him trying to get us to come together, now he’s the one retreating. That guy…”

Camus, who had been quiet for a while, spoke up. “I will say one thing about Kotobuki. Because of his efforts - and in spite of mine - I’ve found myself…not uninvested in this group.” He pursed his lips and looked away. “But just a bit.”

Ranmaru glanced at Camus. “That’s surprising, coming from you.”

“Mikaze. Did the doctor provide any advice on the matter?”

“He said to ensure he was eating and drinking properly. And…to make sure he knows he’s not alone. He also said it would take time. I have detected some improvement so far, but he’s still far from his normal patterns of behavior. He is still speaking at about 50% of his usual frequency, for instance.”

“Those letters, especially the one to us…damn, I had no idea any of that was in his head. He’d always laugh everything off, but…there was a lot hiding behind that irritating goofy smile, huh?”

“Yes,” Ai replied. 

“I suppose all we can do in the meantime is keep an eye on that fool,” Camus said.

Ranmaru sighed. “I hope that’ll be enough.”

\---------------------------------

Reiji was surprised to hear his phone ring, not expecting any calls during his time off. The other three members of Quartet Night had arranged things so he’d have more time to rest and recuperate before returning to work. When he’d tried to protest, saying he was fine to work, their combined glares were enough to silence any more protests. Without work to focus on, he’d been feeling too listless to do much other than the basics of daily maintenance. He smiled when he saw Otoya was the one calling. “Hello hello, Otoyan!”

“Heya Rei-chan! We were wondering if you wanted to go out today.”

In the background Tokiya groaned. “You should’ve called him earlier. Can’t you be considerate of other people’s time? He’s probably busy.”

Reiji laughed. “Ah, don’t worry, don’t worry, I’m free. Tell Tokki to relax. What did you have in mind?”

“Well…well, um, Ren said there was this new racing game at the arcade and we figured since you’re so good at driving you’d want to come try it with us!”

“…really, Otoya?” Tokiya deadpanned.

“W-well, we can also get something to eat! Actually, let’s do that first! A-and we can wing it after that! It’ll all work out!”

Even though they were on the phone, Reiji could easily imagine Tokiya rubbing the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “…You really need to plan better.”

“Sure sure, I’ll come see my cute kouhais!”

“Great! I’ll text you the address! See ya soon!”

The meeting place wasn’t very far from any of them, so all three arrived at around the same time and got a table. “Hi hi Otoyan, Tokki!” He tried to put on his usual smile, but maintaining a whole demeanor in person was more difficult than just a tone of voice over the phone in a brief conversation. In the back of his mind he wondered if they’d found out what he’d tried to do.

His attempt at a normal Reiji smile wasn’t as successful as he’d hoped, because Otoya peered at him and asked, “Rei-chan? Are you still sick? We can do this another day if you’d like.”

Reiji waved his hands and tried to coax the corners of his mouth higher. “Ah, no, it’s OK, Otoyan.” He took a bite of his food, thankful it had arrived so quickly. “And you picked a good place to eat too - this is yummy!”

“Kotobuki-san. How…are you feeling?” Tokiya asked, also examining his senpai’s expression.

“I told you before Tokki, no need to be so formal! And I’m good, I’m good! I’ll feel a lot better if you call me Rei-chan like Otoyan, though!”

Otoya elbowed him. “C’mon Tokiya, just do it!”

Tokiya heaved a long sigh, a slight flush appearing on his cheeks as he attempted to spit out the requested form of address. “Ko- Rei- Rei…ji-san.”

Reiji laughed and patted Tokiya’s shoulder. “Well it’s a start! We’ll work on it!”

“So…uh, what happened anyway?” Otoya inquired.

“Otoya, it’s very rude to pry,” Tokiya interjected.

“But don’t you wanna know too, Tokiya?”

“Otoya,” Tokiya said, an edge evident in his voice.

He didn’t want to burden them with the knowledge of what he’d tried to do. It was one thing for his bandmates to know, but he didn’t feel it was right for his kouhais to have to bear that knowledge. “Oh, nothing to worry your cute little heads over. Something very…adult.” He’d hoped the non-sequitur at the end would be enough to throw them off and change the subject.

Tokiya gave him a blank stare, while Otoya blinked in confusion. 

“By adult what do you…?” Otoya paused and restarted another question. “But in that letter…”

Tokiya glared at his bandmate and held up a hand. “Otoya. Enough. He clearly doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Reiji’s smile dimmed as his heart lurched. So much for sparing them that burden. “Someone gave you guys that, huh?”

Tokiya nodded. “We came by when we couldn’t contact you, and Mikaze-san gave it to us. He wouldn’t say anything other than you’d be back in a few days and to ask you anything else.”

“Ah, Ai-Ai did that, huh. Well, I’m really sorry I worried you guys. I’m supposed to be the one looking after you both, not the other way around.” He looked down at the table, shame at them seeing his moment of weakness burning his cheeks. “But I guess I failed on that, huh?”

Otoya took both of Reiji’s hands in his, causing the latter to look up. “No no no, you didn’t fail us, and you don’t need to apologize for anything. We’re just glad you’re here.” He smiled and squeezed his hands as his gaze became more imploring. “But watch us, Rei-chan! We need you, not just as an idol or a senpai, but as a friend.”

“That’s right,” Tokiya added. “We value you as a person, and we…we’d miss you very much if you left.”

At this Reiji burst into tears and rushed to their side of the table to swoop both of them into a hug. “Oh Otoyan, Tokki!”

Otoya enthusiastically returned the hug, while Tokiya stiffened at the sudden contact at first, then reciprocated as well.

When they finally broke the hug, Reiji looked at both of his kouhais, eyes still shimmering with tears of happiness. “You’re the best kouhais - and friends - I could’ve asked for. And if you guys really need me, I can’t just leave you, can I?” 

Otoya gave his senpai a bright smile. “And you’re the best, Rei-chan!”

Just then Otoya and Tokiya’s phones went off at the same time. They both frowned at the message they saw. “What, a meeting _now_? But nothing was scheduled!” Otoya groaned.

“What horrible timing,” Tokiya said. He and Otoya gave Reiji an apologetic look. “We’re so sorry, we-”

Reiji waved off the apologies, able to commiserate with the inconvenience of sudden meetings and resultant disruption of plans, having experienced it many times himself. “Ah, it’s alright, don’t neglect your work on my account! I know how it is! But thank you for today, both of you! Let’s do this again sometime!”

“Definitely!” Otoya replied. “And…if there’s ever anything we can do to help, let us know, OK?”

“We’ll see you later. Please take care, Koto- Reiji-san.”

They got their food boxed up to go. There was a minor argument over the bill, with Otoya and Tokiya arguing they asked him out so they should pay, and Reiji saying he still needed to take care of them since he was older. Reiji ultimately prevailed. He also wanted to repay them for their efforts to cheer him up, but he left that part unsaid, not being able to find the words for just how much it meant to him. His heart felt lighter, and he felt less suffocated by the guilt and depression plaguing him than he had in a while. He was sure it showed in his gait as he waved goodbye to his kouhais. “Later! Feel free to call me anytime!”

As they both watched Reiji leave, Tokiya said, “I don’t think this is something we can fix on our own.” 

“Probably not. But he seemed so much happier after today. The least we can do is have fun with him sometimes, yeah? Just simple things like what we did today. Though I hope next time we don’t get interrupted again.“

While Reiji tried to keep up his usual spirited goofy facade, the cracks were evident. His chipper attitude could be overwhelming, but Tokiya found it vastly preferable to the gloomy one underlying the encouraging words in the letter and Reiji’s demeanor today. “Yes. You’re right.” 

\---------------------------------

Reiji carefully opened his door and stepped out, trying to ensure he was making as little noise as possible. There was no light coming out from under his bandmates’ doors, indicating they were all sleeping. He grabbed his keys and was about to walk out the door when he was startled by a voice behind him.

“Reiji. Where are you going?”

“O-oh, Ai-Ai. Can’t sleep. I was just going for a drive to clear my head. Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll be back soon.” Reiji started to leave with a wave and a smile, but Ai grabbed the wrist he had raised. 

“I’m coming with you.”

“But Ai-Ai, don’t you need to rest? Don’t exhaust yourself on my account.” Reiji tried to walk out again, but the grip on his wrist held firm. 

“I will be fine.”

Reiji let out a small laugh. “Aha, well, I can see I’m not leaving alone, so let’s go!” 

Once they settled into the car and Reiji started driving, he spoke up. “Hey Ai-Ai, you’ve been checking on me a lot. I appreciate it, I really do. But don’t you have other things you need to be doing?”

“I can manage my schedule as it is.”

“Even so…you shouldn’t have to be my guardian. None of you should.” 

“Reiji…”

“Ai-Ai. It’s alright. You don’t need to worry about me. I won’t…do anything else. So…so you don’t need to burden yourselves with me.”

“But you are repeating some patterns of behavior that preceded the last…incident.” He had a feeling that wasn’t the best word to use, but he struggled to think of a more fitting one. “You’re still trying to take everything on yourself.”

Reiji attempted one of his usual smiles, though it wavered slightly at the corners of his mouth. “Well, I’m the oldest, so I have to be responsible and put together for you youngsters.”

“It’s easy to forget you’re the oldest,” Ai said lightly.

“So mean, Ai-Ai!” Reiji mock pouted. Then, as if remembering something, “You gave Tokki and Otoyan the letter.”

“I did. It was addressed to them, so it seemed like the most logical action.”

Reiji didn’t know whether to feel disappointed or relieved. “I…I see.”

“Was that not the right thing to do?”

“I- well, no, you’re not wrong, it was meant for them. I just…never thought I’d be around to see their reactions - or anyone’s reactions to those letters. But they- even though I’m the one that’s supposed to be looking out for them, they were trying to look out for me instead.” He tightened his grip on the steering wheel as he felt a lump form in his throat. He’d never planned for any of this. He never imagined he’d survive. He was happy his kouhais cared enough to reach out to him, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever wanted them to find out like this, or at all, at least until after he was gone.

“That does seem to align with their usual behavior. All of Starish’s members always seem to try to help others.”

“I…I envied them, you know. Their whole group, how they’re so warm and openly supportive of each other. I still do. But I’ve accepted that we’ll never be like them.” Reiji’s voice dropped to a near whisper. “I just…I care about you guys, even if you guys don’t care about me beyond work. It’s foolish, I know, but I can’t help it.”

“We have our differences, but I do not think we are completely detached from each other. You really think we would’ve rushed to your aid if we didn’t care? Would I be here now if I didn’t care? And even Ranmaru and Camus are trying, in their own ways.” Ai paused, watching everything on the side of the road as the car passed by them. “Nothing…would be the same without you, Reiji.”

Reiji recalled how, like clockwork, someone would be knocking on his door at mealtimes (or at least dinner, depending on their schedules), and he could tell by the volume of the knocks who it was. Most commonly it was Ranmaru, and Reiji was almost surprised he hadn’t managed to bang down his door with how loudly he knocked. There were times when he would linger with fumbling inquiries about his wellbeing and whether he needed anything, and while Reiji would always tell him everything was fine and he didn’t need anything, it didn’t stop Ranmaru from asking again when he came to the door next. Sometimes it was Ai, with quieter and more measured knocks. Sometimes it was Camus, whose knocks fell in the middle in terms of volume and had a commanding presence, much like the count himself. 

There had been occasions when Camus had come to his door with a tray of tea and sweets and strode in past him when Reiji opened the door. He had been surprised to see two cups and two desserts on the tray, but Camus dismissed any questions by saying he was just making sure Reiji did not break any of his precious cups and barking orders at him to eat and drink. Reiji could tell by the scrutinizing gazes Camus gave him that there was more to it than that, but he also knew he was not the type to say so aloud, no matter how much he was directly asked about it. 

Reiji remained silent as he sank further into his thoughts. Otoya and Tokiya had said they needed him. While his bandmates weren’t as openly expressive as his kouhais (mostly Otoya, though all his prodding had opened Tokiya up a bit), he wondered if this was their own way of saying they needed him too. The thought put a small smile on his face and a warm feeling in his chest. “Ai-Ai…you guys…” Ai patted his arm reassuringly in response.

Silence settled into the car as light from every streetlamp they passed under washed over them. Reiji was so used to his bandmates being cold and reminding him they weren’t friends that it was an big adjustment to see them actually try to reach out to him. But it was a welcome one, even if he still felt guilty that he was being a burden on them.

Eventually Reiji pulled the car over and got out, with Ai immediately following him.

“The beach? Why did you come here?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t originally have a destination in mind. I just wanted to drive. But looking out at the water here makes me feel a bit calmer. And…a bit closer to Aine.” 

“I admit, looking at the sea is also calming for me.”

“I guess I picked a good place to stop then, huh?” Both of them continued to stare at the waves lapping at the sand. Eventually Reiji broke the silence. “That audition was important, but was it really more important than Aine? I mean, it was partly because of him I was there, but I…dammit, the one time I don’t pick up my phone…!” His voice rose to a shout, as though trying to reach someone far away in the water. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything, I…I…!” His breath hitched and his voice broke.

“Reiji.” Ai grabbed the sides of his face and turned his head so they were making eye contact. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Reiji stared into Ai’s eyes as the words sank in. “Somehow when you say that I feel kind of like…I’ve been absolved.” He let out a nervous laugh. “I know, it’s strange. You’re not him, no matter how much you two may look alike. You’re your own person, and it’s horribly unfair to treat you as a proxy for someone else and I refuse to do that to you. Yet…” Tears welled up in his eyes and he buried his face along with his sobs in Ai’s shoulder. Ai simply hugged him and rubbed his back, allowing Reiji the time he needed to release all his long-buried emotions.

After a while, Reiji’s sobs subsided and he lifted his head to look at Ai, eyes rimmed red. “Ah, I’m sorry about that, Ai-Ai, I’ve gone and gotten your shirt all wet!”

“It’s alright. Are you feeling any better?”

“I…don’t know. I’m exhausted and drained. Though also…a little lighter?” He wiped his face with his sleeve. “Ahhhhh, it’s really late, so we should be getting back.” He cupped one of Ai’s cheeks with his hand. “Thank you for being here, Ai-Ai.”

Ai smiled and put his hand on top of Reiji’s. “Anytime.”

\---------------------------------

Reiji was startled when Ai, Ranmaru, and Camus barged into his room with no preamble. “Oh? This is a surprise. Usually I’m the one doing the room invasions, though Myu-chan’s done a few of his own lately.”

Ranmaru pulled him to his feet. “Get dressed. We’re going out.”

“Huh? But Ran-Ran, nothing’s scheduled today.”

“It’s not for work. But the four of us.”

Reiji had to take a moment to process what he’d just heard. “What? But you guys always said no when I wanted to do anything together.”

“We’re going to the amusement park. I want to gather more data on the rides. I need a larger sample size, as well as repeat trials. Preferably with someone who doesn’t get sick from the rides,” Ai explained.

Reiji pouted, stomach feeling slightly queasy at the memory. They had only been there because they were filming a TV segment, but despite the havoc it wrecked on him afterwards, it was still nice to have spent time doing something fun with Ai, even if it was just for work. “Awwwwww, did you HAVE to bring that up? And we went on them like five times in a row, it’s only natural!”

“Yes. How did you think I convinced them to come?”

“This I had to see for myself,” Camus commented with a smirk.

Ranmaru also had a grin on his face. “Same here. Besides, I’m sure Camus wouldn’t do much better.”

“Nonsense, my constitution is the heartiest of all of us.”

“Ha! I don’t believe that for a minute, with all the sugar and crap you eat.”

“W-well anyway, let’s lead the way, Ai-Ai!” Reiji took the bickering as an opportunity to grab Ai’s arm and drag him off despite his protests. A surge of happiness overtook him at the fact they had finally agreed to do something together as a group. While the scars in his heart were still there, the efforts of his bandmates and kouhais in assuring him he wasn’t alone went a long way in salving them. Today he would enjoy the day with his bandmates - his friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Reiji's been through so much (and this didn't help sorry Reiji). He deserves all the hugs in world and to be the one who's looked after for once.


End file.
